Perfect Mess

"But by the grace of God I am What I am, and His Grace to me was not in vain"
I Corinthians 15:10

Come Home

My body convulsed in grief as I wept like I haven’t since I’ve been a child. In an effort to feel closer to God, I had stepped outside and gazed up to heaven. Without even thinking about it, these words escaped my lips and shocked me as I heard myself say them, “Papa, I just want to come home.”

For years now I have been fighting to live and considered it a great privilege  to still be alive after all the health challenges I have faced. I’ve often wondered why God still has me here when so many others have perished. It is an humbling thing to have outlived your own death sentence. Over and over again, when tempted to complain in my heart or give in to discouragement, I have reminded myself what God so clearly reminding me early in to my health battle, “Rhonda, you must choose Life, for I AM Your Life and Length of days” (see Deuteronomy 30).  Over and over again, choosing Life has been my catalyst to getting up and out of hospital beds, up off the couch when I didn’t have any strength, and even to continue taking medications that I know, without, I could easily and selfishly allow myself to default to death.

I am thankful that, early on in my journey through the wilderness of weakness, Jesus let me know plain and clear that the choice of when and how I go is His business, but choosing Life is my business. (Again, see Deuteronomy 30).

That is why it was so foreign to hear myself asking Him let me come home.

It felt as if I was somehow betraying all these years of choosing Life.

Yet, as I sit here writing this today, in light of all that’s going on in our world, I can SEE that moment in new light.

There are many scriptures that support our  longing for heaven.

Here are just a few examples;

Matthew 5:3, “Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”

Ephesians 1:18, “Having the eyes of your hearts enlightened, that you may know what is the hope to which he has called you, what are the riches of his glorious inheritance in the saints.”

Hebrews 11:16, “Instead, they were longing for a better country-a heavenly one. Therefore God is not ashamed to be called their God, for he has prepared a city for them.”

Philippians 1:21-23, “For me to live is Christ and to die is gain.  If I am to go on living in the body, this will man fruitful labor for me. Yet what shall I choose?  I do not know!  I am torn between the two; I desire to depart and be with Christ, which is far better for me.” 

These last few years have felt as if wave after wave of darkness is hitting us, and although we keep popping up, our hearts break as we look at the aftermath of it all.

In a wake of each new “hit”, in find myself feeling less and less at home here in this world.

It’s not necessarily that I want to leave it, yet it’s more that I am realizing that everything around me is not familiar to me any longer.

Perhaps, it’s taken witnessing the first hand fragility in our world to realize just how “Poor in spirit” I truly am.  There is something that happens when the walls we’ve always garnered some bit of security behind begin to crumble. Through the cracks I’m discovering truth about myself that I did not know existed, that I really am not as secure in Christ as I thought I was.

As only a good Father can do, He pokes His finger right through the wall of my self perceived fortress revealing the debris of my self deceived heart in His wake.

Yet, it’s through these broken down walls that I find His face, and in His eyes, I find my REAL HOME.

HE LOVES ME!

Even here, His love is pursuing me.

HE IS MY LIFE.

He IS MY HOME.

Oh, how my heart longs for Him…and as I reach for Him, I am reaching for my life.

Should you want to connect with this subject more, here is a recent video I made about this topic.

 

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