Perfect Mess

"But by the grace of God I am What I am, and His Grace to me was not in vain"
I Corinthians 15:10

Rest of Revelation, Week 5 (and brief update on health)

I spent all day yesterday seeking answers to what has been happening with my heart lately. Here is what I found out so far.

My heart rate has been getting very high (above 170) and then dropping suddenly very low (to 40 which was the lowest my pace maker would let it go).  This was causing me to black out and feel terrible as it was occurring rather consistently.

I have a condition called dysautonomia, which is a problem with my nervous system that can effect almost every part of body, but in my case, it seems to mostly affect my heart rate, blood pressure and ability to maintain fluids.

I was given two liters of fluids yesterday in hopes that this might help offset any dehydration issues I might be experiencing. My pace maker setting was also bumped up to 60 being the lowest setting.

I am feeling better today, although still pretty wiped out.

I had hoped that I somehow “outgrew” this condition, however it looks like it’s back.

The LORD greatly encouraged me yesterday by reminding me of Psalm 119:105, “Your Word is a lamp for my feet, a light for my path,” as well as John 1:4, “In Him was life, and the life was the light of men,” and of course, 2 Corinthians 12:10b ,”…for when I am weak, then I am strong.”

I can’t say I’ve had much strength, sometimes it feels like maybe only enough to get through the next step in my path, but I am very aware that in each step, I need Jesus, and it feels almost as if I am leaning upon His shoulder right now as, by faith, I am trusting Him for strength to move through and accomplish His will for me each day.

A life that I tend to often make over complicated with plans has suddenly become so clearly simple as I am finding myself only able to focus on my next few steps….steps only made available to me because of the gracious gift of my LORD’s strength to take them.

I find beauty in how simple things can become so suddenly.

A million prayers of, “how exactly DO I trust You, God?” are in an instant answered as I am forced to literally lean on Him to have the strength to just keep taking the next step into His Light.

I don’t have the answers I wish I had, yet I have the clarity that my heart has longed yearned for.

I don’t like being this needy, yet I find such peace suddenly surrounding me as I succumb to the fact that I have absolutely NO control over my life, my future, even whether or not I can take my next step. All I can control is this, “Will I trust You, Jesus, in this moment?”

And I feel His pleasure as I do.

What a precious gift to remember that THIS is ALL HE WANTS from us!

Our faith in Him, Our Awareness of our cavernous need for HIM.

What a gift to remember that, “when I am weak, I am strong!”

And to KNOW once again, that the only real control I have in this life is whether or not I will continue to press forward toward His Light.

I have faith in Jesus.

I am reaching.

And I know, whatever the future holds, I am safe in His love.

He is holding me up, and I am standing in His Light.

What a gift.

 

Here is last Sunday’s teaching.

 

Thank-you for joining me on this journey.

 

Love,

Rhonda

 

 

 

 

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